word count: 1522

and stagnating

word count: 1396

the elephant moves,
stomps about,
always there,
in my face,
I can’t get away,
I can’t escape,
the elephant’s there,
stomping about

word count: 1269

yup, i wrote some more, then deleted some

i think that is it for me for the night. Not only does my internet keep crashing, but word keeps randomly closing my files. Fortunately I regularly save (to the USB stick as well!!)

word count: 1274

(with footnotes 1840)

and my internet has been offline for the last few hours - grrrr

word count: 952

(with footnotes: 1333)

word count: 865

still climbing

word count: 710

and climbing

word count: 404

this essay was due last monday. In first year, I worked in the study room with Whitey (yes we would both be pulling all-nighters the night before) and we would write our word count up on the board every half hour or so as a bit of a challenge to one another.
Most ppl have handed their essays in by now which means that I have noone to pit myself against, or to spur me on.

praise God

where is it?

I am desperately trying to find the link between the incarnation, the resurrection, and the return. I keep reading and reading and reading, but I can't find it!
Moltmann, Barth, Schweitzer, Spong, Doyle, Bloesch, McGrath, Letham, Calvin, Pannenberg arrrgghhhh.
I need to get thoughts down on paper, and quick, but I can't seem to verbalise where this essay is going.

procrastination in the form of musings

One of my friends spoke to me after the previous post, and commented that I sounded sad. He was right, I was sad. But you know what, that is ok. Life isn't always happy, but I do want my life to be always joyful.

I spoke to one of my lecturers the other day here at college, to get some help narrowing my topic for my project next year (well actually I was speaking to him about something else, but I grabbed the opportunity to ask him about my project).

I may have come up with another direction or focus.
He suggested:
An ethics of contentment, with specific aplication to singleness
I quite like that one. That is if I take the ethics line, which I think is more my scene.

If I was to do a Biblical Studies project, I think it would be something like:
How can we read 1 Corinthians 7 in light of Genesis 2 and 3.

I would be interested in doing a theology based project which would be:
A Theology of Singleness.
But apparently Doylie doesn't like you doing a theology project if you don't have a doctrine average of 75% or higher - which is something I do not have. And besides, that is probably too broad a topic for 15,000 words.

My GPA is just under what I though I needed to do the project so I have been busting my guts trying to get it up, but then I read the handbook and found out that the GPA needed was yet another 5% above what I thought it was. It just means that I have to seek special permission to do it. In some ways finding that out has meant less pressure because I know that unless I somehow end up with marks 20 points higher this year, I can't reach the required GPA. So I figure that there is no point in busting my guts when I will seek permission from the Board of Studies.

The lecturer I spoke to on Friday said that he will support my application, but that he is just one voice among twenty. I am going to try and speak to more lecturers over the next 6 months to get their vibe and possibly their support.

Now back to this doctrine essay that was due this afternoon, but I still have a big fat zero word count!

grief

This morning I went to a baby shower. It was lovely. I share in the joy of so many families. There are so many friends there who are expecting over the next few weeks.

Here at college, the topic of infertility is often raised. We pray for those who may be struggling with the grief that infertility brings. I think this is really important. But this concern and compassion is always aimed at couples that struggle with those things. I want to say: singles struggle with the grief of infertility too.

Christian singles struggle with the knowledge that they may never even have the opportunity to even try to have a baby. The grief that a single person feels may be different than that of a married person, but it is still grief.

It is grief that may mean that there isn’t anyone around to share with. There may not be anyone to talk to about it, to weep with you, to hug you, or to comfort you. I think it is important to acknowledge that grief is there. To hide it and bury is not good. To do that can lead to a deep-rooted bitterness and anger toward God, the world, and others.

I am content in my single state. I believe that God has me exactly where he wants me. I still have struggles and I still have grief. That is ok.

It is ok to have grief as a single. It is ok to have struggles. BUT, when we allow our struggles or grief to turn into discontent, when we allow them to turn into a thing that rules our lives, a thing that consumes us, it is a bad thing. We need to be content in God’s goodness and His sovereignty. After all, He is the loving creater and ruler of this world. He created you and me. He knows us better than we know ourselves. AND, He is control of each and every thing that happens!

Today I grieve that I do not have either a husband or child.

But today I will pray that my life will be honouring to God.
I will pray that my life will reflect His love.
I will thank God that He loves me so much that He sent Jesus to die for me.
I will take joy and delight in giving glory to God.

Ich will eine Umarmung

jetzt vielleicht ist es der Mangel am Schlaf, oder vielleicht ist es die zähe Liebe, die in meinem Leben geschehen ist, aber ich Melancholie und blau heute fühle. Ich kam zum Bett an 3am, ich hatte meinen Warnungssatz für 8:30, aber ich bin nicht im Stande gewesen, mich in meine Arbeit zu begeistern. Ich muss es tun. Ich muss anheizen, und einen Aufsatz-Plan bekommen.

Ich will eine Umarmung

Es hat Zeiten gegeben, wenn dieser Aufsatz mich aufregen ließ. Erregt über die Tatsache, dass Jesus zurückkommen wird. Aber heute bin ich wollen, dass es zu Ende ist. Ich will, dass es beendet wird. Sowohl der Aufsatz als auch das größere Ding, Sünde. Die Tatsache, dass das eine gebrochene Welt ist. Es lässt mich weinen.






--
Von guten Mächten wunderbar geborgen, erwarten wir getrost, was kommen mag. Gott ist bei uns am Abend und am Morgen und ganz gewiß an jedem neuen Tag.
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

zufällige deutsche Gedanken ich kann nicht aus meinem Kopf herauskommen, die zum Reim aus keinem anständigen Grund wollen!!!

Ich spreche
Ich seufze
Ich schreie
Ich schreie
Ich schließe meine Augen

Ich hasse
Ich liebe
Ich drehe mich
Ich wachse
Ich zerschlage meine Tränen

Ich lächle
Ich stöhne
Ich koche
Ich pansche
Ich verpasse meinen Regentropfen

Listen, Unterbrechungen und Wünsche

Ich habe viel nicht, um zu sagen. Es gibt nicht viel Ereignis im Moment. Meine Tage fallen ins Muster dessen: wachen Sie an 7, Arbeit zu 12 auf, gehen Sie zur Bibliothek, Mittagessen an 2, Arbeit zu 3, Schlaf zu 4:30/5 spazieren, essen, Arbeit 9 bis 2, dann ich schlafen Sie wieder.

Manchmal wird diese Liste nett unterbrochen. Einige Freunde haben angerufen. Einige haben mich eingeladen, an einer Mahlzeit mit ihnen teilzuhaben.

Ich habe die Systematische Theologie von Pannenberg, und einige seiner anderen Schriften gelesen. Es lässt mich wünschen, dass meine deutschen Sachkenntnisse besser waren.

I've finally updated and added some links that I check out regularly.

*amused*

Sometimes motivation and discipline are hard to find. I keep losing them, and don't know where I left them (or perhaps it could even be that I don't want to find them).

In some ways, me being at college is quite amusing. I have never really been one to sit down and study, I have never been one to like writing essays, yet here I am studying a 4 year course that is almost entirely assessed by essay. arrrgggghhh - what was I thinking?

Although it is not always enjoyable, college is a great delight. The faculty who serve there continue to amaze me with their depth of insight and knowledge of God's word. I feel a tension. I want to be out telling people about Jesus with every moment of the day (well, almost every moment), but I also want to make the most of my time at college, not wasting the time that I have here.

And on that topic of non-wastage, I am going to quit procrastinating, and get into my reading on the bodily and visible return of Christ, right now!

Christ is risen


He will come again in glory


bodily and visibly!

calvary

I spent a lot of time reflecting on the cross yesterday.

acf, Lady Design and I watched the Passion last night. It was the first time that I had seen it since it came out. I have told myself in the past that I wouldn’t watch it again because the violence disturbed me. It was a spur of the moment decision to watch it again. It meant that I couldn’t get to sleep until about 3am, but I am glad that we watched it. I found it disturbing and horrific. Yet, an in your face reminder of what Christ has done for us. It eyeballed me last night once again.

Christ died for us.

will you say yes?

There are some decisions in life that require a yes or no answer. Marriage is one of those. When you are asked ‘do you take ______ to be your lawfully wedded wife/husband?’ you can’t exactly say maybe. If you did say maybe, how do you think your fiancé/e would respond? I would imagine not too well. You might even say 'well it isn't as though I said no'.

There are some times in our lives that not saying yes is the same as saying no.

Marriage is one of those things.
God is another of those things. When you hear the message of what Jesus did on this day over 2000 years ago for you, God needs an answer. It isn’t good enough to say ‘well it isn’t as though I said no’. Will you say yes?

...

Giving up Survivor last night, I went to the library.  I don’t think it really produced anything fruitful, but thus seems my life at the moment.
On a brighter front, I walked past Lady Design’s room on the way home at 9pm, only to find out that there was a group going out for gelato.  I was in two minds about going.  I haven’t really been the most social creature lately.  She convinced me to go.  Even as we were walking down the street I was considering going home.  I’m glad I went.  It took a while to relax, but I had some fun.  I think my life needs more fun.  I told Mamma Swan today that the only thing bringing joy to my life was biblical Hebrew.  OK, so maybe I was stretching the truth a little.  It was good to hang out with JST, acf, Lady Design and others (I must think of some more nicknames).

Tonight’s agenda…
Left-over satay vegies from Jedi Masters cooking lesson last night.
Maybe try and do some filing, or at least try and find my desk.
Get into bed early so I can hit the library at 8am.

early starts

my early tuesday morning start got even earlier this morning. I got up at 6am to call my friend Nic in NZ. It was well worth it. I called her using Skypeout and it only cost 60cents for 25mins! It was a little bizarre getting used to the delay, but for that price, you can't really complain. She said that it was no worse than when her mum calls her on a normal landline.
I was trying to keep my voice down so that I didn't wake up English Lass, so it was quite amusing trying not to laugh when she was telling me that she is now involved in singing at church.

Talking to her made me realise once again that God is good.

Mustn't linger too long as I need to start searching for my folders and books for today. I've got no idea where they could be in this room. It amazes me that everything I own fits pretty much into a 3mx3m room, yet I still manage to not be able to find stuff.

--
Phooey, I just realised that it is Hebrew class today, and I haven't finished pre-reading the chapter.

Ich habe den grössten Teil des im Bett kranken Wochenendes ausgegeben. Wie die meisten Menschen hasse ich auch krank zu sein. Eines der Dinge, von denen ich nicht zärtlich bin, ist in der Stadt krank seiend. Ich fühle mich eingefasst.
Mama kam heute und kaufte mich Mittagessen. Ich gehe morgen abend für Braten.
Ich fühle mich geliebt, aber krank.

Finally - an author on my wavelength!

As some of you know, I have been researching for my project on singleness. Finally I have come across an author who is on my wavelength. Most of the books I have read have either been about 'what to do whilst waiting', or have been a whinge about life, or have been completely dry.
One of the books that Paso sent me the other day was this.
Now maybe I am preempting at this point as I am only 10 pages in, but so far I am finding it an excellent read.
Most of my thinking has the underlying presupposition of contentment. Contentment that is found in the realisation that God is sovereign and God is good. So to read this has been an excitement.

Ultimately, we are single because that's God's will for us right now. That's it. It's not because we are too old, too fat, too short, too quiet, too loud, too smart, too simple, too demanding, or too anything else. It's not wholly because of past failures or sin tendencies. [...] it'd not because the men we know lean toward passive temperaments. It's not because there are more women than men in our singles group. It's not because our church doesn't even have a singles group. Though perhaps these things seem like valid reasons, they don't trump God's will. [...] We are single today because God apportioned us this gift today.

One more thought: I've often heard married people say to singles that we won't get married until we are content in our singleness, but I humbly submit this is error. I'm sure that it is offered by well-meaning couples who want to see their single friends happy and content in God's provision, but it creates a works-based mentality to receiving gifts, which can lead to condemnation. The Lord doesn't require that we attain a particular state before He grants a gift. We can't earn any spiritual gift any more than we can earn our own salvation. It's all of grace. However, we should humbly listen to our friends and receive their input about cultivating contentment; we just shouldn't attach it to the expectation of a blessing.

Carolyn McCulley, Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye - Trusting God with a Hope Deferred (Illinois: Crossway Books, 2004), 30

I miss him

It's just over three years since this shot was taken, and almost 3 years since he went to be with Jesus. I still miss him.
I miss his hugs. I miss his passion for Jesus. I miss his dreadful singing. I miss his optimism. I miss his reality checks. I miss his prayers. I miss the late nights. I miss his furry green drum kit, and the way that he would play it.

uncomprehensible

got up an hour and a half before class
a double expresso
and a bowl of coco pops

here's to hoping that I am going to be alert and engaged during Doylie's 8am this morning!

times like this, I wish I weren't so sinful

there are times in my life that I realise I am sinful. Tonight is one of those times. I struggle with being selfish, I want my own way and when something happens that means that I can't have my own way, I get annoyed or upset. I don't want to be that way.

I want to be more gracious. After all, God is the God of grace. It is he who has given abundantly and given me more grace than I can possibly understand and comprehend.

Nothing in particular has happened. Except that I have been struck once again by all that God has done for us in sending Jesus.

I want to be a woman who is like king David. When I told Snitzal that some months ago, he said in jest "what, an adulterer?". No. I want to be a woman who desires God's will. A woman who desires are after God's own heart.
I think that when we want what God wants, then we will detest sin in our life. This is what I earnestly need to be praying daily.

schläfrig

Ich hatte eine Stunde langen Schlaf an diesem Nachmittag, aber ich fühle mich noch sehr schläfrig. Ich denke, zur Dienstagsnachtmahlzeit zu gehen, wenn auch es nicht meine Woche ist. Einer der Jungen sagte mir heute, dass ich so kommen sollte, kann ich etwas Fleisch essen. Ich sollte auch gehen, wie ich zum Überlebenden nicht gehe, wenn ich nicht tue. Ich bin auch nicht in der Laune, Essen zu kochen.

sleep is being ever so elusive tonight!

relaxed, lost, and loved!

The day started nice and relaxing. I awoke at 6:45am, only to kick my body (ahh the joys of daylight savings finishing!) and roll over to go back to sleep. A nice relaxing brekky with English Lass, and off to my one class for the day.

Headed home in order to get out and about running errands. Only to discover that I had lost my car keys. Grrrrr. The only set (well, there is another set at my parents). Raced around looking for them, retracing my steps. To no avail. I was on a deadline for my errands, so Naughty nicely lent me her car. I got to the RTA and to the Council to get my parking permit, only to head back home. I drove around for like, half an hour trying to find a park. I gave up and parked in a 1 hour zone.

1 hour is not long when you end up in a conversation!

Got a call from the office chick to say that I had a package waiting for me. 'But I didn't buy anything recently' was the thought that came to mind. Yup, mainly when I get love in my pigeon hole at college, it is cos I have bought some book or other.

Moved Naughty's car, scoring her an ace park out the front of her abode, ran into L'ill Miss and the Musician and scored HUGE hugs, and headed up to the office. Upon entering the office, I picked up my parcel. It was heavy and the receptionist told me that she thought it must have been jam (go figure?). Opened it up, only to discover some books. I was thinking 'but I didn't order anything did I? Or am I totally losing my mind'. Upon looking at the titles I realised that they were from a friend who is going to the US tomorrow morning (in typical style, he hadn't pout a note or anything in the package to let me know who it was from!!). He is going to train at Covenant Life Church with the intention of coming back in a few years to fo a church plant. The books are for my project and hopefully or perhaps an MTh thesis. He had told me that he was going to send them, but I had totally forgotten, or at least thought that he would forget with the franticness of moving country so I had put the offer out of my mind.

And another love item that was in my piegon hole, was my Hebrew Bible. Very exciting! (now I know that I really have turned nerdy)
But I think they sent me the wrong one. It isn't the hard cover one that the first years got sent at the beginning of the year, it is soft cover, and it also has the apparatus down the bottom and margin stuff. It is the Hebrew Bible that you need for second year. So perhaps I better study hard, make it through this year, so that I can put it into use next year!!

Lots of love in book form today.

Now back to finalising the Day of Prayer booklet which needed to be finished by lunch time today!

sane

After jigging classes again on friday, and having some semblance of a day off on sat, I am feeling sane again.
I am not the type to jig class, as I find that this causes too much stress when you get back, but sometimes these things happen.

I had a good weekend. It was sad that I had to say goodbye to BKMB. I am stoked to see the way that God has worked in his life. He has got a job with the United Nations in Nepal and will be gone for at least 10 months.