Why are single people treated as second class citizens?
I live within 15 minutes of campus. For any married student, this is considered as living within residence. But for me, it is not. (This is just one example of many that I am using to illustrate)
To quote section 5.6 of the handbook (page 72, 2007):
"All single student are expected to reside in College (singles quarters) for the duration of their course."
Later in section 5.6 it says:
"Married students may apply to live in houses on College campuses [...] A minimum of two years residence is normally expected of married students"
Why are there different regulations for married students and single students?
Although I have heard some positive sermons on singleness, church culture does not reflect a positive view.
And how? How is our church culture going to change when our ministers are being trained in an institution that doesn't respect singleness? As people are being trained, there is a subverted message of singleness being taught. No wonder there is an underlying message being taught in church culture - that is, you are not complete until you are married.
Which makes me wonder where this perception has come from. The idea that you are somehow deficient if you are single.
Two thoughts:
- It has arisen out of the Reformation
One of the many positive things that the Reformers did was to endorse the goodness of marriage. Once again, marriage could be seen as a valid choice. You no longer need to live a monastic life in order to serve God as had been previously taught.
Reactionary theology has swung this position to the extreme. No longer is singleness viewed as a positive thing. Our church culture has elevated marriage. So much so that I think it is in danger of becoming idolatrous.
I don't want to elevate singleness above marriage, like in the days before the Reformation. But I also don't think that marriage should be elevated above singleness.
Which brings me to my second thought about why our church culture thinks of singles as deficient.... - SEX
We live in a non-Christian world which says that sex is where it is at. Having sex and being sexy. All part of the world in which we live in.
The non-Christian world doesn't understand sexual celibacy. When everything in their world tells them that life is about having sex, to have someone refrain from sex outside marriage is baffling.
It is baffling because society equates having sex with being an adult. Adults choose when and who to have sex with. If that choice is taken away it is rape - a most heinous crime.
It is all about choice. Once you can choose to have sex you are considered an adult. So, a single, mid-thirties, Christian is viewed as somehow not being as 'adult' as their married friends the same age. It is as though the ability to have sex with someone is what completes you.
Having sex doesn't complete you. Having a marriage partner doesn't complete you or make you superior to someone who is single. It is easy to look and say "I can see why that person is still single" or "I don't understand why that person hasn't been snatched up yet." It is not about what we do. It is not about whether this person is able to find a partner and that person isn't. God is sovereign. If you are married - God is the one who brought your partner into your life. If you are single - God is the one who is in control.
When will we as a church community have a culture that reflects our biblical teaching on the goodness of singleness? When will we as a college community realise that singles are adult in every way and begin treating them that way?
It is Christ who completes you - not sex, nor a marriage partner, nor work, nor children.
Was Jesus deficient because he was single?
(end rant)
21 comments:
Rant on sister - we need more ranting on this!
Amen sister! as i have often said, if its good enough for Jesus its good enough for me :)
To add my 2c worth in cyberspace ...
I think that much of the issue comes from a wrong understanding of marriage. Jesus was single here on earth, but he came as the bridegroom and is looking forward to his marriage to his bride the church. This is the ultimate marriage, between God and his people that earthly marriages are but a shadow. It was not good for man to be alone, and so woman was created as his partner and ally - such that there is something significant expressed in the marriage relationship, for it is within marriage that God's intention for the world to be filled can be fulfilled. Somehow, we've turned this round so that marriage is the ultimate reality and fulfillment of our existence when it is not. It is good, indeed very good but it doesn't mean that singleness is bad or second class.
I agree with you that sometimes there is a definite bias in church culture that marriage is the pin-up relationship...and its often unintentional, and it isn't from the formal Bible teaching but its evident in other church practices. For example, often praying for married people but the single people are rarely or never prayed about. So the that comes across is 'we'll pray for married people and their faithfulness but not single people and their faithfulness.'
I don't want to disagree that sometimes single people are treated as second class citizens and as if they are less then their married friends. It is of course a wrong attitude, and flies in the face of 1 Cor 7, which clearly states that singlesness is superior for serving God.
But I suspect you are guilty of self love here, and a lack of understanding and empathy towards those who are married and the problems they face.
In my opinion, the handbook makes different standards for married people which reflect different circumstances. Fact: It is easier for a single person to move into College then a married person, whose spouse may be working. Fact: It is easier to move into College then a married person with 5 kids (how many houses support 5 kids?). Fact: The difference in the handbook for regulations for single people ("it is expected") and married people ("A minimum of two years ... is expected") is not that different, though I admit slightly softer, perhaps to recognise the difference.
I don't want to defend a society that puts marraige above singleness. Nor do I want to defend the disgrace they call MAC, but in this situation I think you have not attempted to understand real differences in circumstances, nore recognise the real weakness marraige can be.
Mandy:
well said when you write that marriage is often viewed as the ultimate fulfillment of our existence. It is sad, but true. This is one of the reasons that I think that marriage is in danger of becoming idolatrous. We are in danger of substituting a relationship with another human over a relationship with God.
I hope that people haven't heard me being negative about marriage. That is definitely not the case. I want to say both marriage and singleness are GOOD. We just shouldn't elevate one above the other.
Bron - agreed. We do need to remember all walks of life (not just married and single) when leading in prayer or teaching.
It can be hurtful when your demographic is forgotten. I have found that when that happens I try to spend a few moments in prayer. I bring the applicable things before him.
This has happened at college. The few times that I have approached the person afterward, I have found them quite responsive and normally apologetic.
--
I don't think it is done maliciously. I think that it is thoughtlessness.
Which I should probably add a disclaimer to this post. I don't think that people intentionally treat singles as second class citizens - which is my whole point about the fact that although we teach biblically and positively on this topic, our church culture does not reflect this.
I think that most of the time it is careless oversight.
Which by no means justifies it.
Hello all
I have been reading this post and comments with some interest and thought I would continue a very successful evening of procrastinating by entering the fray.
I particularly wanted to address a comment above by 'anonymous. That is: Nor do I want to defend the disgrace they call MAC.
To be frank I can't quite believe that a christian person, who won't even put their name to their post, would think it at all appropriate to make a comment like that here... Particularly when it appears you are a married person who, chances are, have never lived in MAC or perhaps even been the beneficiary of the ministry of MAC.
Having lived in MAC for 2 years now, and planning on living here for another 2, I'm not going to pretend that life at MAC is always idyllic for everyone. And the reason I'm not going to do that is because anyone living in any residential college, or dare I suggest any married couple living in college housing, would attest that their living situation is not ideal. That's part and parcel of the whole package and I guess ultimately of living in a fallen world.
Having said that (and noting for the record that I very much enjoy living at MAC and am very thankful for it) I am, quite frankly, appalled by your comment.
MAC is not a disgrace. The administration and leadership of MAC is made up of godly and committed women who are serving Christ through the ministry here. They are not perfect, but neither are you, or I. They are devoted and earnest. Some of them have made significant self-sacrifice to be part of the ministry here and they are all completely undeserving of your remark- particularly since you made it anonymously.
A little over a year ago I sat in a room with about half a dozen women from country NSW most of whom were thinking about going into ministry in the long term and coming to Moore College in the short term. I was so excited and encouraged by them. But to my horror nearly everyone of them was seriously second-guessing whether they would/could come to Moore College- and do you know why?
Because they had heard bad reports about MAC. And do you know who they had heard those reports from? From people who have never lived in MAC. From people who have never benefitted from the ministry of the women they live alongside and from the women who work at MAC. From people who have heard reports third, fourth, fifth hand- many of which were out of context and which happened years and years ago. From people, I can't help but suspect, like you.
Can I please encourage you as a brother (or sister?) in Christ to think very carefully about the appropriateness and godliness of making comments like that, in this case regarding MAC, in any public or private forum. I can't see how it is in the pursuit of godliness or service of your fellow brothers and sisters either here at college or beyond
Anonymous -
I am curious as to whether you know me or not. You obviously know what theological institution I am studying at, despite my never having mentioned it here.
Firstly,
I need to clarify what you have said about MAC. I have never published anything negative about MAC on this blog. Even this post, to which you have commented on, is not about MAC.
It is about the disparity in treatment of single and married people both at the college level and within the church as a large.
Secondly,
I am quite happy for you to say that I am "guilty of self love here, and a lack of understanding and empathy towards those who are married and the problems they face."
I would not want to be accused having a blog where I did not tolerate any views that differ to my own. I do hope that you will allow me to defend myself.
I think that if you knew me, then you would not say that I am guilty of self love, a lack of understanding or of empathy to married people and the problems they face.
There are hardships in both marriage and singleness. They both have hardships and I have never denied either one's difficulties. But to pit one against the other and say "my hardship is worse than yours" is folly. And it only leads to a position of saying that marriage is better than singleness or singleness is better than marriage. And I want to say neither.
You say:
fact - a single person can move house a lot easier than a married person who has 5 kids.
Well, yes. A single person can move more easily in some aspects. There are less things to move and less people and they don't have to worry about their spouse's job or what school the kids will go to.
But I fear that you are pitting a married persons hardship against that of a single person and saying that life is harder for the married person.
Let me explain.
Moving for the single person is more expensive than a married couple. Statistically a single person is financially worse off than a married person (even a married person with 5 kids). Take college accommodation for example - it is far more expensive for a single to live in than what it costs a married couple.
I am concerned that you have accused me of being hyper focussed on my situation and neglecting the hardships of others.
Do I dare suggest that you may even be guilty of the same?
You say: fact - it is easier for a single to move house than a married.
This neglects to take into account that each person, whether married or single has a unique situation. For some single people it is easy to move, for others it is not. For some married people it is easy to move, for others it is not.
Thirdly,
you say that there is not much difference in what the handbook is saying. I beg to differ. There is this point, many others, and many cultural behaviours within the church (and college) community that subverts the positive views of singleness.
If you were the minority group at college and always treated differently, I am sure that there would be times when you would be frustrated.
Don't hear me saying that there are no differences between marrieds and singles. There are. But at least treat us like adults in the same way as our married brothers and sisters.
Firstly - I'm sorry about the comment regarding "MAC being a disgrace". It was unfair to say for many reasons that Dani has pointed out. It is particularly unfair to those Godly women who have put in the hard work and effort over many years. They have served many well.
Dani - some of your claims are true, some untrue. I want to recognise that many have had very positive experiences of MAC, but many also have had very negative experiences, and continue to do so. But this is not what this debate is about, nor is it helpful. Though recognising some of the negative experiences of some people at MAC does illuminate at least a small part of why some people's experience of singleness at college is so negative.
Never-the-less, my comment was wrong, and I'm sorry.
-bw I don't know you, and I'm sorry for my emotive language and unfair attack on you. Once again I have no excuse except for very bad judgment, and not thinking through what I was saying.
I agree with much of your argument about the state of single people in this world and in our church, and even at college. But I think you have been unfair in your attack on the housing arrangements. I suspect there are many good and godly reasons why they have made these rules, and I don't think it is a reflection of an MTC attitude of single people being "second class citizens".
People often rant unfairly against MTC without acknowledging the reality of the situation. As I have demonstrated in my rant against MAC earlier (which I again appologise).
I don't know how much further to argue this, and how helpful it will be. But I do not treat single people as children. I do acknowledge different situations and hardships. I do not want to set married people against single people. I note you accuse me of not treating single people as individuals - yet you feel free to quote generalities, statistics, and box married people.
With regards to college housing, college wants all to live in the college community, and their policy reflects this in the best way possible. It not an attack on single people.
College has enough room to house all single people. They can't do that with marrieds.
Generally speaking, marrieds do have more difficulties moving into college - kids, spouses with jobs, and availability of houses.
All have issues and problems. Moving will bring all extra problems - in particular the financial ones you point out.
But I think when you bring this into account, the different requirements for single and marrieds is not an attack on single people, but a fair attempt to write a policy that recognises the differences but still aims to get as many people living in community as possible.
You must also admit there is flexibility in the implementation of the policy. Not all single people live at college. This recognises special cases. Not all married people end up living at college - it is just logistically impossible.
Hi all (especially Dani, who I know),
You guys rock! Can I say it again... this is a very reasoned apologetic, friendly, intelligible debate. I have been encouraged by the words.
Dani, I'm interested in reading about how positively you view MAC. I think I tend to hear more negative things.
I actually talked to someone who prayed at my church on Sunday, who specifically mentioned married staff workers families, but not singles. I probably "bit" down his throat a bit when I said that it was difficult for me to hear that based on the fact that single people don't live in a relationship vacuum - we just don't have a partner.
And Amen to the sovereignty of God - how amazing and truly wise he is...
Dear Anonymous,
Apology accepted.
You note at the end of your comment that there is flexibility in the implementing of the policy and that not all single people live at college and that college recognises special cases. Yes. College does grant some singles be allowed to live out on compassionate grounds.
It is a fantastic step in the right direction.
I’m sorry that you think that I have been ranting unfairly against college without realising the reality of the situation. I do not believe that this is so. I have spoken to lecturers about this topic and my views. As such, there is nothing that I am hiding.
You say that I have made an unfair attack on the housing arrangements. I don’t believe that my words were attacking, they were using the housing arrangements as an illustration to show the point that single people are being treated in a different manner to married people, and the way that they are being treated isn’t good or helpful.
So let’s remove the college housing regulations for a minute. Perhaps I can use another illustration.
How many do you want?
I can rattle off a list for you if you like.
But until you are willing to own your comments, I do not see any point in feeling as though I have to justify my opinions.
I’m sorry, but I just can’t accept your words as having authority on the situation since you choose to remain anonymous. How am I to know what level of understanding that you have about the college environment? Or what it means for a single person to be studying at college?
I am not railing unfairly at college. I don’t think the position that college takes is malicious or intentional.
But that doesn’t mean that the position that it takes is ok.
Georgina - glad that this post was an encouragement to you.
keep on keeping on. know that God is in control, and he loves you. In fact he loves you so much that he sent his son to die for you. Think about that for a minute.....
That is how much he loves you.
I hope that tomorrow I will wake up and live the day to glorify him. single or not!!
and i hope you will too
Hey George! Great to see you here :)
I really love living at MAC, and (as you have probably guessed from my earlier comment) it frustrates and disappoints me that most of what people hear about MAC is negative (as is your situation apparently!).
I'm not saying that living at MAC is idyllic of course - but I suspect that is going to be the case wherever you live. Some of the girls enjoy it more than others, others settle in a lot better than others. Some of that is to do with the personality and situation of the individual woman, some of it is to do with the way things in MAC are set up.
I personally love just having people around here at MAC. Over summer when I was housesitting for a few people and then staying back at my parents place I got very lonely. Here at MAC there are always people to drop in and catch up with. On weekends there are always some informal (or formal!) social events happening. The Chappo guys come down and have dinner with us no Friday and Sat nights and it's great spending time with them.
I love being able to sit at my desk (and convince myself to do some study!) and leave my door open so that as people pass by they often say Hi or drop in. On the other hand when I'm feeling like I need some time and space I just close my door and it's all completely private. The bathrooms are great, we've got kitchenettes (most newly renovated) and TV rooms on all the corridors (though a lot of us also have TVs in our own rooms). We've got different TV Show groupies and it's quite funny on some evenings to go from TV room to TV room working out whether this bunch is watching House, or a taped episode of Grey's Anatomy or a DVD of the West Wing.
Almost all the rooms are now also double the size they used to be when there were a lot of uni boarders living here. We have all our food cooked for us and our chef, Dave, is fantastic. A number of different dietary needs are all accommodated for. When it comes to weeks like Stu Vac or essay writing weeks it's just great to be living with a bunch of people to help keep you accountable and encourage you to stop procrastinating (which I really need!
Beyond the kind of 'living' at MAC experience I am also enormously grateful for the ministry of MAC that I benefit from whilst here at college. Each of us has not only a college chaplain (one of the male faculty members from Moore), but also a MAC chaplain. We each have a MAC chaplaincy group with about 8 other girls which has been very carefully planned and organised and are prayer triplets within that group. The women who work here as part of the MAC ministry (which is much bigger than just the residential college) are all lovely, friendly and godly women.
Having said all that I do, of course, acknowledge that MAC is not perfect and that there are some things which frustrate me and others at times. But I can honestly say that most of those issues are being addressed, one by one, by MAC. Furthermore I just don't see how there would not be frustrations living in any residential college.
A lot of the 'bad press' which is out there is left over from years gone by (even fairly recent years) before a lot of changes were made. It is also the result of a lot of rumour-spreading which gets passed around until it becomes folk-lore. Whilst no-one wants to pretend to a prospective single female student at Moore that living at MAC won't be without its occassional frustrations, it disappoints me that when I meet one of them they all, without exception, have been convinced how dreadful MAC is and how living here would be a 'sacrifice' they have to make in order to come to college.
So (to anybody reading this!) don't believe everything you hear along the grapevine about MAC-lore (especially if the person saying it has never been involved with MAC). If you do think it is something that has grounds, take into account the experience of the person telling you and how long ago it was. And then also take into account the important ministry here at MAC which is often unfairly called into disrepute by those rumours and the edification and encouragement you want to be to single women who are thinking about coming to Moore to study.
Sorry about the ramble!
Dani
PS. Anonymous- thanks for your apology.
could not disagree more, well ok, I might agree a very small part with the rant but generaly not.
Single IS less than a couple, the church wants more church goers and the gods have given up 'making' people so its up to paritioners to do all the making.
Society on the other hand would prefer single people with no attatchments, they dont take maternity leave, pay the greatest amout of tax compared to use of tax and are, by and large the driving force behind the general economy.
Hi Augustus,
You talk of society preferring single people. That may be true. What I am talking about in this post is church culture towards singleness.
It sounds like you are basing your statement that being single is lesser than married on 'be fruitful and multiply' (Genesis 9:7).
Yes, Christians do have a part to play in growing the church. But having children isn't the only way that the church grows.
I was wondering: what you make of 1 Corinthians 7 - the teaching that being single is good?
wow. it's all happening here!
just wanted to throw my 2c worth in about housing and College...
It seems to me that College is a soup of traditions and change happens because time passes, trends change and suddenly, here we are in a new time and place and different circumstances.
And the challenge for College has been to maintain the basic principle, (in this case: living, learning, loving in community) while circumstances radically change.
So, only 30ish years ago most of the students at College were single, I believe. And I understand that the requirement is now only 2 years for marrieds because it is physically impossible to do otherwise. Just two changes brought about by circumstances changing, but an attempt to create a structure for living in community.
So, I'm not arguing that the housing policy changes per se are without fault, but that circumstances have changed forcing them to change in order to meet new needs. But the underlying commitment to living in community has been what is driving them. So, if there is discrimination I don't think it's intentional, nor even in this case, thoughtless. I don't think there are limitless ways in which this basic policy of LIC can be 'institutionalised'. I agree it could be improved, but I think it in that situation it would still look like discrimination because even talking about arrangements for single vs married people (even if they are vastly similar) is singling out 'singleness' (heh).
I'm also not sure that this affects clergy-formation in quite the way you are arguing, BW. I think the discrimination in clergy-being-formed is well and truly there before College, and that is reflected in priorities students often seem to have with relationships, the way services are led, things that are said, etc. We were married while at College so can hardly be expected to have our radar zoned into the situation, but we were at times quite furious at the way single people were treated. My memories of this though were that it came from students and it was mostly thoughtlessness. Certainly the (very patient) people I spoke to about this seemed to come to a better mind on the issue as they had their awareness increased. I think the residential thing can have that affect as well, but more to sharpen a tendency rather than develop it.
In fact, it would be easy if it were coming from the residential arrangements. Then it would be external; we could change that and voila! the culture would change. I don't think that's likely. We all tend to relate to people based on our own experience of life and it takes nothing less than a regeneration of who we are by the Spirit of God (no less!), and then we get it wrong all the time. :)
mmm. sorry. didn't mean for this to be so long.
Hi Jen,
I understand that the original housing policies were formed at a time when the demographic of students was vastly different to what it is today, that they have been formed out of circumstances and not discrimination and that the current regulations regarding housing for married students has been formed at a later date. But I want to ask: what message is it sending to have different regulations for married and single students?
I live a 1.5 minute walk from college. Yet, why is it that even though I live a whole lot closer than many married couples that are considered to be living in community, I am not?
As for how it affects clergy opinion. Agreed. Students come to college with already formed opinions. And yes, the things that are said, the way that services are led, and even sermon application are the often the result of a lack of sensitivity. And hopefully this post has increased even a few people’s awareness.
Perhaps you are right, that the residential situation does more in sharpening a tendency rather than shaping it. However, you cannot deny the impact that college has on shaping clergy. In both Doctrine 1 and 2, the language of deficient, devoid and incomplete was used to describe singleness. You must agree that this teaching helps shape the opinions of the leaders being trained.
The housing illustration is just a symptom of a much greater cultural problem that is present both at college and in our churches. Which is why I think it is so important to address it at college, as the people that are being trained there will impact the church culture wherever they eventually end up.
Thanks for your input :)
-bw: I agreed with your original rant and have been encouraged by how you've responded to all the comments here. I'll say it again: keep on ranting.
thanks Byron. I needed to hear that.
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